I had a couple of meetings to attend in Shenyang* (Liaoning Province) in Northern China. Finishing early, I had some time to kill so did the usual beer hunting, coming up with and .
Leaving next morning, I left one bottle to take back in my check-in luggage, knowing that to take it in hand luggage would be a problem. So I check my luggage in, get my seat allocation and start walking away from the check-in desk. Suddenly a siren goes off and heads from all over the place start looking towards the check-in desk. A security guy catches my eye and he is waving to me to return back to the desk. A huge crowd forms to see what is going on. I am the only "lao wai"** for what seems like miles.
I bustle my way through the instantaneous crowd and the siren is finally silenced. "I am sorry sir but you have some illegal goods packed in your check-in luggage." I unlock my suitcase with 10,000 eyes peering over my shoulder. The security guy shoves his hand in and brings out my bottle of beer. He holds it up high in the air for the crowd to see. Where is the hole in the ground ? I think I need it. ... What's he going to do ? ... Surely I have lost that beer ... What on earth are all these locals thinking about the crazy foreigner ?
Then the gods smiled on me. "Sir, you are not permitted to carry bottles in your check-in luggage ... you must hand-carry this onto the plane". What !! I have entered a parallel universe where all of the rules are reversed. I think 911 was only a matter of months away.
* Shenyang has around 8 million people and ranks about 27th in the most populous Chinese cities.
** "lao wai" is a common term for "foreigner"
It wasn't so much an incident but a series of incidents. Again I was accompanying a colleague on a fact-finding tour. Our host provided gratis accommodation in the "government department hotel". Yep, they had their own hotel. But we are in yet another Chinese city of 6 to 8 million people.
I check into the room ... damn, no fridge. I discuss with my colleague just how are we going to keep our beer cold. He ponders and takes the big decision. Down he goes to reception and and asks, "my colleague requires a refrigerator to store some important pharmaceuticals". The desk clerk replies, "No problem sir, we will upgrade you to a better room". That got us a move upstairs into far superior accommodation, again all at no charge. Winner.
Later, we have a dinner to go to with the government department chief executive ... in the same hotel. But we have a problem. My colleague had spilled food on his tie and hand washed it. It looked like an old rag. He needed an iron. The room service charge to correct the problem cost more than a new tie. The hotel shop has no ties and it is too late to go shopping, but the hotel shop has an iron for $2. My mate buys it. For the next hour, he battles to get any heat out of the iron and almost wears the tie out. Yes, it was a $2 iron.
As usual, we go to a private dining room with the chief executive. He runs the banquet like an emperor. There are the two of us plus him and our assigned interpreter/guide. As usual, the drink flows but this time, I don't quite feel like asking to keep any empty beer bottles. He assails us with tales of his drinking prowess as a young professional. Boasts that for the last 25 years, he has taken a cold shower every morning and how this discipline has stood him in good stead in his career. And when he was younger, he would drink a large bottle of "bai jiu" (Chinese spirits) for lunch and still carry out a full days work with no reduction in performance.
This guy had it all. Snap go the fingers and the next course arrives ... snap ... more beer for the guests ... snap ... it is 8pm and the banquet is finished. Anyone who has been to business-related dinners in China knows the 8pm shutdown. You think everything is going fine then the host just cans it instantly. At 8:01pm, we are heading back to our rooms.
No we're not. A clothing change and off beer hunting. We trudged the streets of Nanjing after dark looking for action. With no idea where we were, we ended up at a student bar full of students drinking beer and watching a kung fu movie. No-one even noticed us. We were there 2 nights and I acquired 8 beers - that fridge came in handy. I am guessing but I think we might have consumed that night but I can't quite remember.
I was accompanying a colleague on a site visit near Chuzhou* in Anhui province and it was a Sunday. Our host Mr. Li spoke English well and showed us around accompanied by a fleet of more junior staff who seemed not terribly interested in being there. I assumed they had been instructed to front up for work on a Sunday. The day morphed into a lunch at a small office building on the outskirts of Chuzhou. The usual private room and obviously a complete working kitchen were offered to the esteemed guests.
At this point, the fleet of subordinates started to get interested. Free food and drink. The usual oversupply of a huge variety of foods were put on for us plus a very generous supply of drink. I think I now understood what the subordinates were waiting for. We ploughed our way through mountains of food and copious quantities of beer ... the room was abuzz with convivial banter. There was laughing and smiling from everyone except Mr. Li. He remained totally implaccable.
Then came the dreaded question from our host, Mr. Li, "and what is your impression of China?". Having been asked this question more times than I could remember, the beer encouraged me to immediately reverse the question "and what is your impression of Australia?". Mr. Li had indicated that he had been to Australia once. He pondered and replied completely straight-faced and without a hint of humour :
"Well, there are three things I recall about Australia ... flies, drunken men and fat women."
Initially, we were stunned but eventually, cracked up. This guy is a comic genius. When his response was translated into Chinese for the non-English subordinates, they fell about laughing ... nearly fell off chairs. I guess beer does that.
At the end of the banquet, I asked Mr. Li if I might take a couple of empty bottles of beer with me. Naturally, anything for the esteemed guests. They were and .
* Chuzhou has around 4 million people and is only the 93rd biggest city in China.
While I may have forgotten the exact circumstances of how I acquired a number of labels, a number of them stick out for a variety of reasons.
Funniest/Quirkiest
This has got to be The name says it all. What the !!
Most Common
What I call . The cheapest bulk beer available in Beijing costing about 30 cents US for a 600ml bottle. Why buy shampoo ?
Favourite Foreign Brand
Of the commonly available foreign brands, probably was the premium beer of choice at our place.
Favourite Dark Beer
I quite like dark beers and they were few and far between. Some were quite flat and syrupy. But I liked the although I only ever found it in one small shop not far from home.
Most Inspired Names
Shanghai's clearly came out of a long thinktank session. A few too many "bai jiu"s went into the labelling. Some fitness fanatics had a go with . The environmentalists have their own . Feeling a bit wet ? Try a . Feeling a bit stale ? Well, have . A bit flat ? Put a zing back in your step with a . However, I am deeply concerned about the .
